Last night was my 3.5 hour Sociology Statistics class. Thankfully, my good friend Mike is in the class with me, so I had some company. The class is held in a computer room. The teacher lectured for the full 3.5 hours and even went 5 minutes over class. Mike and I spent the entire time chatting on our "class chat room". We even chatted with a few other students. It was so much fun.
Yes... I paid attention too. I would write down whatever the teacher wrote down on the board because I figured it was probably important. I don't know if I am going to keep that class or drop it... it looks hard. We'll see how the next class goes I guess. It only meets once a week.
I got my nails done and went out to lunch with my roommate yesterday. It was fun. It's nice to be able to get out of this dorm room once in a while.
Tonight is costume night at dance. I'm nervous.
I don't know why.
I have lost 30+ lbs. Yet, this anxiety is still present. For years, my costume size has been an XL. It still is an XL... mostly because I am tall, and I need the costume to have a long torso. But, I am also still an XL because I am afraid of going smaller. What if I gain all the weight back? Ugh.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy with where my body is at (for the real world anyway). But in the dance world... I am still big. I am one of the biggest dancers (well... probably the biggest actually) in my dance class.
I have always been insecure and self conscious about it because it's noticeable... especially on costume day. I am usually always sick to my stomach on that day. I feel it already. I don't have an appetite as of yet... and I probably won't have one all day.
This is the downside to being a dancer. Dancers sometimes have to be that epiphany of perfection. There is a stereotype that you must be stick thin. Unfortunately, large dance companies are keeping that stereotype going by only hiring tiny dancers. I mean, really... who has seen an overweight Rockette or an overweight ballerina at the ballet?
I am feeling down today. Hopefully I can snap out of this bad attitude I have. Because my attitude will definitely effect getting our costumes today. I need to go in with confidence and with my head held high. Fearless.
Fearless... something I need to work on being.
Maybe I'll post pics of the costumes. You can let me know what you think.
til next time,
Karla =)
I remember the days of not having class on Friday. I wish my work week was like that!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I fought with myself for a very long time b/c I always had to get a L in dance costumes. But the reality is, we're long people! Last year I was swimming in my L but the thing is they HAVE to order by your "largest" measurement. When I explain that to my students at the studio they seem to have a better attitude about the L that was just ordered for them. Heck, there is a girl who is a twig and has to get an L b/c she's so long!
I feel like once you get into your costumes tonight you're going to feel like a different person. You're going to see yourself differently and you WILL notice how loose the costume really is on you. I wouldn't be surprised if you needed to have your costume altered!
I have to ask, what is involved in the costume days? Do they pass them out and then everyone tries them on together? We do that with our younger kids but definitely make sure there's a positive vibe going on.
Have a good day Karla and be FEARLESS! :o)
You are beautiful, you will look great in your costumes. Hold your head high! Admire how great you look in your costume. Admire your curves. Remember, it's your body that got you this far as a dancer...don't be disappointed in it - show it off!
ReplyDeleteWhen I lost a lot of weight the first time (not the right way) I was terrified of gaining it back and not having clothes to wear.
ReplyDeleteBut now that I'm on my second trip down and doing it the right way, I throw clothes away as soon as they are officially too big to wear. Don't give into that fear.
You worked hard to get where you're at. Celebrate and congratulate your body by showing it off with a costume that fits it!