So it's already Saturday morning.. midnight-ish... I had a ROUGH day to say the least.
I vented about what happened SOO much today that I am sick of talking about but I'll write about it here so that I don't confuse anyone.
I have this friend..she is more like a best friend to me. I grew up with her, and our families were very close and still are. Although, when my family moved when I was in the third grade, I lost touch with her. But, I can honestly say that I still call her my best friend...we have kept in touch and it wasn't until today that I realized the ONLY reason we keep in touch is because of ME.
Just recently, her mother passed away unexpectedly... it was horrible. I didn't know what to say. I went to the funeral and watched my best friend be crushed to pieces. So, I did what I do best....I wrote. I wrote my heart out. And I gave her a letter.
I haven't heard from her since then. I don't even know if she got that letter. She never said anything...and I thought it was just because she was going through a hard time. Well, tonight...I found out that she was staying over at the school I go to. She goes to a school in Maine which is sooo far away from my school in Connecticut.. so I never see her. I found out through the internet that she was at my school.... SOO .. being the good friend that I am....I called her up. She never answered. So I texted her and asked her where she was so that we could get together. She responded and said that she would call me later as to where we could meet up. She never called. And now its midnight.....so she obviously isn't calling..
I just got off the phone with my Mom, I was hysterically crying... I don't know why... I just lost it. I feel like I do SOO much to try and keep friendships together....not just with her but with a lot of people. I am always the one putting in 110% and I get nothing in return. What do I do wrong? I wish I knew why whenever I make friends, I lose them.
I really thought of this girl as one of my best friends. I have even pictured her being my maid of honor if I ever got married. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and this is the last straw. I am no longer going to be going out of my way to keep in touch....it's pointless.
I feel so horrible right now...I don't even know what to think. Am I being a bad friend by giving up? Her mother passed away and I have been there for her the whole way... I send her emails and I send her letters and it seems as though I am sending them to a ghost or something... never getting responses.
Besides the bad part of the day....my roommates and I went out to dinner and I stayed well within my points. I had a few drinks tonight...haven't in a loooong while. So that was nice too. Made me feel better, I guess.
Tomorrow is a new day.. I am going out shopping with one of my roommates..hopefully I will treat myself!! =)
Hope you all had a good day =)
Until tomorrow,
Karla =)
Karla, we have one more similarity. That is trying hard...and also too hard sometimes.Im not sure about you but in the past I ALWAYS wanted to be accepted my EVERYONE in my life.There were times where Id be crushed into pieces because those feelings of mine were hardly reciprocated.I have been burnt many times in friendships. Especially with best friends whom I have gone through thick and thin with. Now that Im older, Ive come to the realisation that I was trying too hard in the past because of my low self-esteem.I did not love myself enough and I was looking for that love in my friends, relationships and family. Now, I have many acquaintances and only 2 best friends and that too was at 3 at one point. I keep my acquaintances at an arm's length. Once bitten twice shy. Only my best friends are kept in the loop about the ups and downs in my life. And Im fine and pleased with that. As for your best friend, its a tough period for her. Maybe she needs time and she might get back to you eventually.You are a special person and as your best friend, Im sure she knows that.If she doesnt cherish you,move on. There are many others who would love to have your presence in their lives.Dont waste your tears on souls who exploit your kindness. Save it for those who appreciate you. Cheer up :)
ReplyDeleteKarla, I know and have felt your pain at many times in my life. Confessions said so much more eloquently what I would say.
ReplyDeleteAs you grow older friendships change - and the reasons we need people changes.
Are you familiar with friends for a reason, season, a lifetme? I don't know if you are a religious person at all - but I think regardless, it helps me when I look back at lost friendships. What it doesn't say in there, is no matter what the circumstance, losing a friend always hurts. Here's a link to reason, season, lifetime: http://www.promiseofgod.com/reason/ - you'll have to scroll down a bit (or at least I did on my laptop screen)
Now that being said, don't give up on your friend yet. Give her some time. And yourself some time too. Give her a little space - I know you want to be a good supportive friend, but maybe space is what she needs right now. Continue to love her - even if you're not telling her - she'll know it.
Chin up! Take care! Don't let her ruin your weekend! *Hugs* Michelle
Wow, thank you both for your kind responses. It is exactly what I needed. I'm taking both of your words to heart. Your both right on so many levels and now that I am more clear headed, and it is a new day... I am feeling better about things. I can't thank you both enough for helping me out. =)
ReplyDeleteMichelle- Thank you for the website. I didn't even know about it, that was a very powerful poem. I am religious, and reading this prayer/poem has really helped me feel better about things. I have bookmarked it so I can read it every so often. Thank you.
Confessions- As always, thank you so much for your support through my rough times. It is nice to get perspectives from those who have gone through the same things I have and have learned from them. So, thank you so much for your help. It's appreciated =)